Oh, The Woes of a MarySue
by Poisonous Picasso
Summary: I'm a Mary-Sue, here are the woes and loves of my life. AU Since my Mary-Sue's a whore All CharactersxMS. My first try at a humorous, multi-chapter story. I hope it works XD
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so like, I've read **_**so **_**many nugget stories where the OC is a Mary-Sue. I got kind of sick of it, you know? So, I'm taking a stab at sarcasm, humor and parody and writing a MARY-SUE FIC! Pointing out all aspects of a Mary-Sue. I really hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Leslie Anne Levine (It's a beautiful song by the Decemberists) or Death Note. **

**Enjoy, my loves.**

My name is Leslie Anne Levine.

My father just killed my mom and then went to jail, so henceforth, I have to go to Wammy's because I'm a genius. Seriously, I'm like, so smart that my teachers didn't know what to do with me. Usually they just let me teach the class because I'm that smart. They even learned from me, because I read so much.

Of course, I'm really pretty, too, I'm average height and so thin you can feel my ribs poke through my skin. My boobs are huge and bounce around like a bowl of jello. My eyes aren't allowed to be a normal color because I'm a Mary-Sue so they're orange, and my hair is blonde and goes down to the middle of my back. I tend to brush it for hours every morning to make it shine like the sunlight. Oh! And I can see lifespans, because, now that I'm involved, and my author admires Beyond Birthday's powers, he can't be original anymore.

I have a really natural charm, so, even thought Watari is a highly pleasant, yet untalkative character, I've had him talking with me. And even though such a horrible incident has taken place I can still laugh and talk normally. Because no one mourns their parents after they die, it's not like we had a bond or anything. I'm all about the new friends. Actually, in a few chapters, after I've fallen in love with four different people who shower me with affection and presents, you'll find out I cut myself relentlessly. Because apparently, self-mutilation is widely acceptable in the Mary-Sue world.

Watari and I are _definitely _friends now. He's like, the grandpa who is still very alive and could be taking care of me. Buuuutttt, since I'm a Mary-Sue, I couldn't just go live with him, I mean, my mom was a teen mom and everything so he's only like, fifty-seven, but he could still die at any second! Wammy's decided it would be safer for them to go live with there, instead of risking my grandfather's death and all.

Now we're driving up the long, narrow driveway to Wammy's house, and I'm beginning to have second thoughts, which will _definitely _disappear the second I see the first hot boy. I look around at my surroundings, but since the whole story revolves around me, I won't tell you what they look like. It's a secret. Shhh!

The car stops, and since I'm all about influencing the children that are _so _obviously reading this story I UNBUCKLE MY SEATBELT! Because I definitely wore one. Because that's widely acceptable. Don't forget your seatbelt, everyone, or you'll end up cannibalized like Princess Di. Who's my sister, because I'm a Mary-Sue and we're just totally forgetting that my parents were horrible people. I'm royalty for the next few paragraphs, that is, until people ask my life story.

Since I'm soooooo thin and light, I can't open the huge red oak doors to the orphanage and have to have Watari (who is also carrying all my bags) do it for me. When we open the door to the main room, Roger is waiting to greet me, I smile hugely at him in the night, because, I forgot to tell you, but it's night time. Oops.

I hug him because he's so nice for taking me in and all. And he asks my name.

"Oh, I'm Leslie Anne Levine." I say, my voice is really annoying and high-pitched and bright because that's widely acceptable. I also have an accent from ALkdlskfjsfosdjflkjf dlkfmdshstjh, it's an undiscovered country, in a place no one knows about. I'm just _that _original. Pffft, no, my author did _not _just randomly hit keys along and below the homerow in a very neat but randomized order.

"Well, I have to give you an alias. It's going to be something totally unlike everyone else's and beautiful and mysterious. Just like you. So, how about...Ghost. Because it also has to be scary and dark, too. I mean, that's widely acceptable and everything."

"Oh, yes!" I mean, since everyone hits on me, I don't care that a man who easily surpasses fifty-five was just hitting on me. It's normal for girls between the ages of thirteen and nineteen to be hit on by men between the ages of fifty-five and sixty-three. Duh.

Also, since I easily bend the rules of ethics, morality, acceptability, and chastity, I don't have to share a room with a girl. I end up as Near's roommate, and like I said, as soon as I see the first hot boy, all doubts are lost.

He's soooooooo cute.

Even though he doesn't usually sleep _at all _he's sleeping right now, just so I can creepily stare at him like some sort of horny stalker. I may even daydream about him kissing me at some point. He's just _that _cute.

I touch his face, and even though he's supposedly a _really _light sleeper, he barely even stirs.

I decide to go to bed too, because it's night and I'm suddenly really exhausted. But first, I have to cut my wrist. Five orgasmic slashes on each wrist, and I'm done.

Sweet dreams.

**A/N: I can't wait for the hate comments on this XD lawlz I laughed all through it, though. So, whatever. Leave me suggestions and stuff for the next chapter XDDDD!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so there's been this story idea circling in my head for awhile, but before I start that, I have to write chapter two of **_**Mary Sue. **_**So, even though it's sort of rushed because I have other things on my mind…here it is :D **

**Chapter 2 **

The sunlight burns brightly into the white room. I open my purple eyes (yes, I know they were orange yesterday, but they change color every like, four hours, mkay? Just accept it!) and squint them against the harsh and demanding sunlight.

With a small groan I turn over, already wide awake even though it takes the average person at least three minutes to gather their senses in the morning, but…what can I say? I'm special! Anyway, I look over to Near, who is still sleeping despite his insomniac character. I mean, he's only sleeping because through some psychological wavelength he _knew _I was coming and wanted to give me every possible chance to stalk him.

I smile at his cuteness, I mean, really, who _doesn't _think he's cute? My author definitely does, and that's totally why I plan to fall for him in later chapters. Because _everyone _knows that Mary-Sues _must _fall in love with whichever character their author currently feels the need to fan girl over this week.

Silently, I tiptoe across the room to my huge, brown, oak wardrobe. And even, though I proved to be quite noisy and clumsy in the last chapter, my personality has miraculously changed, and I'm now a quiet, graceful girl.

I choose my outfit of the day, which of _course _consists of _only _slutty clothing. I mean, what else is seductive and appealing? It's _obvious _that since I don't have a scrap of brain, boys _have _to be attracted to my body. And pretty much all I live for is sex, and money. Of course though, since my personality changed again, and I'm a genius, and have already attended college classes, and med school, I have amazing ways of attaining both goals.

Anyway, while I have my shirt off and am pulling on my other bra-resembling shirt, Near wakes up and sits up, rubbing the sleep cutely from his eyes. Because he's really adorable. Because that's what my author thinks. And even though in the anime and manga he's pretty much asexual, his eyes pretty much bug out at my DDDDDDDDDDDDDD-sized boobs.

"Woah," he manages to mutter. Event though he doesn't talk much. "Who are _you?" _I smile at his question, only because it's so innocent and adorable that I can't help my award-winning smile that was plastered all over newspapers when I posed with the reporter after my parents' deaths. I was _so _happy because the reporter was super super super cute! It was _ahhhh-mazing! _

Just saying.

"I'm Leslie Anne Levine. Your new roommate, friend, classmate, and orphan. Oh, and in a few chapters you'll definitely be screwing me senseless and then fighting with the other boys over me as I whore myself around. Don't worry." I say loudly and cheerfully (_another _personality change, I mean, it's so cool that I can _do _that) adding a wink to punctuate my sentence.

Near smiles slightly his eyes sparkling with emotion that only _I _can cause, since I'm super-awesome, and have awesome powers that make Near totally OOC. Duh.

"I already love you." His voice is low and husky, and suddenly, WOOSH! another personality change occurs, and I become a shy, under-confident girl. My cheeks turn bright pink, and I giggle like a horny, untouched schoolgirl.

"Oh…wow, thanks. Y-You're pretty cool too." I murmur bashfully, turning my eyes upward to look into his. And I love him, too, because everyone knows that relationships don't take any time whatsoever, and like, nobody can resist me. I'm not like, annoying or anything.

He smiles again, and then proceeds to jump out of bed, and change his clothes. I won't describe the extent of his beauty, because, as stated in the last chapter, this story circulates completely around _me. _I am, of course, everyone's favorite character by now. 'Cause I'm so relatable, and beautiful, and I have an _awesome _personality, right?

Thought so.

Then, we walk to class, side-by-side, our fingers loosely intertwined, because we all know that Near just absolutely _loves _human contact. They make that so obvious in the anime, that it _almost _hurts. But I love him, and that's all that matters. We're perfect for each other, we fucking _belong _together.

Or that's what I thought until I saw…_Mello. _

He's so freaking badass! Like, he's just my type, in an amazing twirl of motion, my girly slut clothes turn to horny, badass, biker-chick clothes, and Near disappears somewhere into the Twilight Zone. I'm not longer, shy bashful and girly, and my eyes are now red, my hair black.

I walk towards him with a predatory smirk adorning my face, an eyebrow quirked slightly, seductively, with obvious intent. He turns his head, and his jaw drops because I'm so sexy and badass and biker-chicky. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm an obvious easy slut.

'Cause Mello actually _cares _for me because he cares about people other than Matt. It's not like Matt's his best-and pretty much only _real_-friend, the center of his universe or anything. It's not like, he's antisocial and so wrapped up in trying to beat Near that he can barely breathe.

It's not like that at _all._

"Hey," Mello says, a small smirk playing at the ends of his lips as I approach. I smile back, looking up at him slightly, my eyes still glimmering predatorily and in a "don't fuck with me" manner.

"Hi, what's your name?" My voice is no longer high-pitched and annoying, now it's like, husky and seductive and way daredevilish. Because that's been my personality all along.

"Mello," he murmurs, snaking an arm gently around my 4-inch waist and pulling me close, his breath cool on my suddenly-blushing face. We all know how much Mello likes to get close to people, right? And he's _so _easy to understand, simple to the very core, there's no dimensions to his personality and whatnot. He's just a normal boy, who is really easy to get close to and loves people.

"Yours?"

"Les," I whisper back, it's been my nickname for a long time. I forgot to tell you-oops. But fuck that, we're having a moment here, I gaze deeply into his eyes, my heart pounding erratically. And suddenly, our lips our touching.

And then, Near came back from the Twilight Zone and…boy does he look _pissed. _At Mello, by the way, it's not like I was whoring myself around. Psh, me? Nawww!

**Not as good, but does everyone still like it? XD By the way, Leslie and I took the Mary-Sue Litmus Test and she got like every question was her XDD So…yeah, she's proud. Just saying.**


End file.
